Part One: The Couch Confessional
Hi, my name’s Nicole, and I am a recovering workaholic.
And I’m struggling with that today, because I have come away for a couple of weeks. The first week I worked from home, the home I’m in. And this week I decided to just take time off, because I really need it.
I’ve been tired. I’ve been go, go, going, and I need some rest.
But I decided that I was going to rest and use the rest of the time to work on my vision. And what I’m finding is that I’m having a really hard time with the resting, but also with working on my vision.
What I mean by that is, I’m lying on the couch. Not right now, but I’m lying on the couch. I’m resting. I feel like falling asleep. And yet there’s this voice in me saying, “Well, you haven’t worked on your vision today.” (I’m making a course.) “You haven’t worked on your vision today. You should probably do that.”
But then another voice is like, “Or, because the sun is shining, you should use the time you’re up here to get outside. Go to the beach. Take a walk.”
But I’m just tired.
And I almost feel embarrassed, in a way, saying I’m a recovering workaholic. There are two reasons.
One, there’s still a part of me, and that’s the manager part, that is saying there’s nothing wrong with being a workaholic.
(Quick note: when I talk about “parts,” “managers,” and the “Self,” I’m talking about Internal Family Systems, or IFS. It’s a model that sees the mind as made up of different parts. Managers are the ones that try to keep us safe by keeping us in control, productive, and on top of things. The Self is our calm, compassionate core, and it’s the place we want to be leading from.)
So that manager part is saying, “You should be doing something,” right? And it’s also saying, “You shouldn’t say you’re a recovering workaholic, because being a workaholic is good!”
But my other parts, my Self via my intellect, are like, “No. Anything that’s ‘-aholic’ is not good, because it means you’re addicted.” It means I have to work. I have to be productive to feel okay.
And at the same time I’m feeling guilty because I’m not giving myself rest.
So, it’s a process.
Oh, the other reason I don’t want to say I’m a recovering workaholic is that I can imagine people in my life who would say, “You’re not a workaholic. You’re always taking vacations. You’re walking in the woods,” blah, blah, blah.
And yes, I do those things. But I also work a lot. I work for myself, from home, so I set my own schedule. That means I can take a walk in the middle of the day or go on vacation, and people see that. What they don’t always see is that I’m also working hard, and often working late. And when you work for yourself, if you’re not working, you’re literally not getting paid.
And the type of work I do means a lot of times I’m putting myself out there. So I need time to rest and refill.
But I’m struggling with it right now. I’m struggling to just feel like it’s okay to not be productive. It’s okay to not be accomplishing something, so to speak, every moment.
Because I’m aware that this back-and-forth is the real waste of time. It’s a waste to be on the couch thinking you should be off the couch, and then be off the couch thinking you should be resting.
The aim is for me to be where I am and just be okay in that moment.
And I can be, when I get my mindset right.
So hopefully, now that I’ve let this go and put it out there, I’ll be able to feel okay resting, or feel okay working on my vision. Or walking? I don’t know. Whatever.
Part Two: Something Radical
It turns out my mindset needed more than talking it out. So I put on my wetsuit and headed to the ocean.
Part Three: Did It Work?
Did my radical adventure help me quiet the voice of my inner workaholic and finally embrace the moment? Here’s my report from the beach.
(Responsible-adult note: wetsuit on, didn’t go past my depth, and please don’t try this alone.)
Part Four: What Happened After
After that, I came home and rested. And it actually felt good.
I was no longer torn between productivity and rest. The cold water got me out of my head and into my body, and once I was there, those voices stopped arguing. I felt great. I came home, took Artemis for a quick walk, and chilled for the rest of the evening.
That was the whole goal: to be where I am and be okay in that moment. I couldn’t think my way there. I had to get there through my body.
You don’t need an ocean to do this, by the way. The next time you’re stuck in the “should” loop, try going to your body instead of arguing with your mind. Splash cold water on your face, take a brisk walk, shake it out, stretch. Give your body something real to do and see what your mind does next.
So thanks for letting me share. I hope you got something out of this.
I’d love to hear your experiences with this, even if you don’t consider yourself a workaholic. I mean that feeling of always having to be productive and doing. I know I’m not the only one.
