May is Mental Health Awareness Month, and this year’s theme is More Good Days Together. I appreciate this theme because it reminds us that mental health is not just individual. It is deeply relational. The quality of our relationships with family, friends, partners, coworkers, and community members profoundly impacts our emotional well-being.
One of the most common themes I see with both my psychology and success coaching clients is difficulty setting and maintaining healthy boundaries. Many people fear that setting boundaries means they are being selfish, difficult, disloyal, or uncaring. They worry that prioritizing their own needs will somehow make them a bad partner, family member, friend, leader, or community member.
But in reality, healthy boundaries are often one of the foundations of healthy relationships.
Without boundaries, many people eventually experience resentment, emotional exhaustion, burnout, chronic overcommitment, loss of self, or the feeling that they are constantly pouring into others while neglecting themselves. Ironically, when we consistently abandon our own needs, we often become less emotionally available, less grounded, and less able to show up well for others over time.
Healthy boundaries are not walls. They are not punishments. They are not about controlling other people. In many cases, boundaries are simply the ability to remain connected to yourself while also being in relationship with others.
Recently, I revisited a thought-provoking boundaries exercise adapted from the work of David Richo in The Five Things We Cannot Change: And the happiness we find by embracing them. As you review the examples below, notice where you tend to fall most often in your relationships with others. You may identify strongly with some examples and less with others. The goal is not perfection or self-judgment, but greater awareness. Often, the first step toward healthier boundaries is simply recognizing the patterns that may be contributing to emotional exhaustion, resentment, imbalance, or loss of self.
| When you give up your boundaries in a relationship, you… | When your boundaries are healthier and more intact in a relationship, you… |
|---|---|
| Feel as though no matter how much you give, it is never enough. | Give generously, but also recognize your own limits and needs. |
| Fear rejection, abandonment, or punishment if you disappoint someone. | Trust your ability to tolerate disappointment, conflict, or even loss without abandoning yourself. |
| Hide your real feelings in order to protect others from discomfort. | Communicate your feelings, needs, and truth honestly and respectfully. |
| Suppress anger, hurt, or resentment in order to keep the peace. | Allow yourself to acknowledge hurt, express concerns directly, and address what needs to change. |
| Say yes to things you inwardly resent because you feel guilty, obligated, or unable to say no. | Help and give from genuine choice rather than fear, guilt, or pressure. |
| Rearrange your life and commitments whenever someone important to you suddenly becomes available. | Make space for others while still respecting your own plans, priorities, and commitments. |
| Become so focused on enduring or surviving that you lose touch with whether you are actually happy. | Regularly check in with yourself and recognize when something is emotionally unsustainable. |
| Continue overfunctioning while receiving less and less in return. | Invest your time and energy where there is reciprocity, growth, and meaningful movement. |
| Base your self-worth heavily on approval, validation, or acceptance from others. | Receive feedback or criticism without losing your sense of self-worth. |
| Tolerate behavior from certain people that you would never accept from anyone else. | Maintain standards and accountability consistently, even in close relationships. |
As you read through these examples, you may notice that boundaries are not simply about saying “no.” Often they are about self-awareness. They are about recognizing where fear, guilt, obligation, avoidance, or the desire for approval may be quietly shaping our choices and relationships.
For many people, weak or inconsistent boundaries are rooted in very understandable experiences: fear of abandonment, cultural expectations around caretaking, family dynamics, conflict avoidance, trauma, perfectionism, or a deeply ingrained belief that love must be earned through self-sacrifice.
At the same time, healthier boundaries can create more honest relationships, more emotional clarity, greater peace, and ultimately more sustainable connection with others.
Importantly, when we model healthy boundaries, we also give the people around us permission to develop healthier boundaries themselves.
If this topic resonates with you, I highly recommend exploring David Richo’s work further. His The Five Things We Cannot Change examines several difficult realities of life that human beings often struggle to accept or control, and how acceptance, self-awareness, and healthier relational patterns can contribute to greater emotional freedom and well-being.
And if you are currently struggling with burnout, overcommitment, people pleasing, emotional exhaustion, codependent relationship patterns, or difficulty setting healthy boundaries, I offer a complimentary 20 minute phone consultation to explore whether coaching or therapy support may be helpful. Contact me
Here’s to creating more good days together — including with ourselves.
